She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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