im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
