the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
never play flip cup with pint glasses
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
