Are we in a gay sports bar?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
