so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
God, you're like boner-b-gone
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
