im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
