Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
