Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
She bit a glass in half.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
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I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
How does it feel to date your dad?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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