You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
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True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
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you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Drake has all the answers
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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