So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
