I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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