i just wanna soil my oats bro
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
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