In America we eat man semen.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
