Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Randomize
