I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
