I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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