Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
