Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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