Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
And then he peed in my hair
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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