They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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