Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
