I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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