I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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