remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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