I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
