dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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