You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
