He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Randomize
