i think my mom watched the whole time
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
