god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
