Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
