I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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