When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
