I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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