I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
