pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
