piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
