I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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