oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
