Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
