Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
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I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
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Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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