Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
