Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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