My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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