OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
