Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
