Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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