i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
