My liver just broke up with me...
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
