Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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