my vag is so smooth its legendary
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
