no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
