on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
