11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
